status.

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I believe a big part of me fears for her. she’s learning the same way I had to learn. it does take a lot out of you. it is a shame knowing that we as people see the bigger picture only after the pain has settled in. she isn’t fragile…but she shouldn’t have to go through this either. these goals that I want to accomplish…this set moment I have planned for the future…what does it all mean?

there is another chance for me. it is a very big one. if I don’t do this right it just might be the end of the road for me. I have people depending on me and I actually want to help someone who needs support. she needs me to be her spirit. people have been worrying about me and wondering where have I been…funny shit.

he needs me too…one could say he needs me the most. I often look at him and have certain doubts and questions. so many of my questions are later on forgotten or misplaced. I’m really trying my best to place the right ways to get over the hump.

I have a lot to discuss with these 4 walls. another journey continues…

Yo, it’s too much strain, phenomenal gain
I’m going through things; headaches, abdominal pain
Try’na numb it with that kettle like I’m from the Ukraine
Check the blue flame, lighter running out of butane
What’s up with my destructive urge that’s unproductive
Choices I’m stuck with, now starting to fuck with
Contaminating family and close friends
Telling me to stop burning the candle at both ends
Ain’t like I’m on a coke binge, hanging in dope dens
Or life is just a pool of Patron I’m soaked in

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…to others than myself. I was recently let go of my job. reality is hitting me hard. I have been unemployed before. I have lost many things due to it…things that I probably cant get back. emotionally I am distilled. mentally I am often blocked by my own thoughts. I question why this happened to me…I question many things. how can I be a positive role model and provider to my child. with no money and no job I am no better than a bum. my heart is racing and my reactions are not that like before. inside I want to tear and yell at the world. I want to curse it for the way it has treated me, for the things it has put me through.

I fear for my relationship. I am in love with her…but what can I give this person that has lost more than I have? been through more than I have? perhaps she sees the breakdown in me. I know it scares her. I break when I hear the breaking point in your voice. I am in love with you more than words can speak. I need you, but you don’t deserve to see me like this. this person I am becoming…I want to get over this point in my life. I have to stop…stop before I end up in that dark place I am familiar with. you have insecurities and at times I have doubts. we are human…but I’m honest with myself to give it my all.

my heart hurts, like an emotional scar from losing a job that supported everything. I’m an idiot that saw the bigger picture at the end of the show. is it too late? has someone caught your emotions? will I ever be left alone to just be with one woman? I don’t have the answers right now. 4 walls surround me. no windows, no lights…dark skies and cold winters. who am I to jay…who am I to you? I feel confused…unaware of the aftermath. all I can do is apologize and pray that I am blessed once again.

to be a man, a provider, a friend, a father, and lover…I fear that all of these things will be damaged if I don’t do anything about it. give me the strength to no repeat history. give me the strength to take back all the negative feelings that have come upon me. grant me the power to move on after the storm. sincerely , to lose two stars that guide me in this empty world…is one fear I do not want to become a reality. for those that care for me, I apologize and I am sorry. I know it is hard to see me like this…

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its just one of those days…where the world doesn’t seem to work the right way. I have so many questions and don’t know when or where the answers will appear. listening to this song just makes it kind of easy to deal with. I feel like my heart is in the right place…but just waiting for the result. what good will my actions provide? will I ever find any sort of peace with those matters I feel are still unresolved?

I need some time to just think about it all. I don’t know where the fuck I need to be right now to fully solve it all. the only thing I know is I need to just get away. people are a disappointment…but we will get into that one of these days. I keep so much bottled in that when it all comes out I fear what might happen. I’m trying to solve it little by little. the only good thing I can say is that that depressive state is a thing of the past. even while that is a positive, the past is known to come back and haunt us just one more time. moving on…

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the picture above is something I meant to mention a while back ago. I was once a member of this forum…to say the least I made a character of myself. I look back on that time and see it all as nothing but gimmicks and laughs put on for a crowd that probably will never know the real me. from the outside looking in I see that some people just stay fickle. they don’t change…they just become more of who they really are. I have to let it all go. I realize that you have to leave certain people in their place. I thought some were friends…held them high in the same category as family. with that choice I was wrong. I learned from it and will never forget that lesson. bringing truth to a pack of lies doesn’t make it better at the end of the day. social networking is just like highschool. when you are stuck in the moment it’s saying more about what you have accomplished and done since then…

stuck in the moment

what I’m dealing with is too real for me to comment on
Jay finally got it through my head not to run my mouth
so when you talk bout "you know who" I don’t know who you talkin’ bout

at times i really hate the way social networking can make or break a person. so many people try to embody this character that they want others to accept and be astounded by. we then as people don’t see the real from the fabricated. that is when distance becomes my number one friend. how many people can you sum up that makes you question “the real them” at times?

certain things in my life i often don’t bring mention to people. i have no problem telling these tales but often at times people try to use them against you. my love life is surely one of them. learning from my past and constructing a future worth living in. i’ve met so many people…with that some stay, others become somewhat enemies, and others are just drifters.

that is where you come in. it has been years and still we stay sharing something that others cant comprehend at times. I know there are rough moments but even you know the truth deep down inside. there is a common goal shared. most of all within that goal we find that happiness that we once had to imitate or often wonder about. I am happy for the time we spent together. it was truly a vacation that we both needed. hopefully we can do it again come around new years. like I said before if it is something one truly wants they will do whatever it takes to get to have it and claim is as theirs only. that’s basically what the drive is when it comes to us. even with fears and doubts you can never be scared to keep going the distance. other people will never fully understand what I say when I say that…but deep down I know that you will. there is no reason to be upset or saddened. no more tears have to be shed for any reason.

houston was great…but we both know it doesn’t feel like home to you anymore. I guess it is about time you got your stuff together and found another home. lets be honest…we all know you’ll make the right choice.