status.

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it’s all hitting me at once. that feeling to just lose it is right there. I feel it wanting to come down. to reflect on what I feel deep inside…but I wont let it show on the outside. there is nothing I can relate this feeling…this pain with. I can do good in life and keep trying to excel. in the end…why does it feel like I’m still unhappy and unlucky?

I can save her…no wait, I can’t save you. look at everything around you. look at where everything has taken you. maybe I was wrong or it wasn’t the perfect time. it angers me that I can do nothing but know at the last minute that there is something troubling you. our communication will never be the same. distance is a sickness at times. it shows its symptoms at the last minute.

what is it about me? why can’t I be happy? is it just not in my stars to have a relationship I can count on? am I not worthy enough to have a heart near her? we defer to the point where it’s her and me…not we. free time even though it hurts. is this how a hero feels when they are defeated? I’m ready to just erase myself out of existence…and just live with the void.

Sweet misery, the one existence that makes me feel alive is also the same thing I can’t change or get hold of. I see these truths unfold in a world that seems so cold.

& one day he too shall be satisfied. his dreams and goals fulfilled, & heart whole like never before. that mask once worn will just be another faded memory.

if most people don’t know by now, one of my greatest passions has to be gaming. it kept me at peace and out of trouble for many years. out of all the achievements I gain (believe me I have many) the above one has to be one of the first I cherish. I didn’t get this achievement on my own though. that’s why it means so much to me. it took an effort of 3 other people to achieve this. back then I thought that moments like that would continue between the four of us for years to come…suddenly I see that my hopes were all for nothing.

friendships were built on skill and just having fun. now most of us either act like we are bigger than who we were, act like nothing has changed, don’t commit until addressed, or just given up mostly. the last detail is pretty much stating me of course. as for the others…well they shouldn’t be that blind to their own ways now can they?

I don’t know when it started. I don’t even know why. all I know is that it makes me upset that people can’t be real about whatever it is. it’s bothered me to the point where I can’t even enjoy my Xbox gaming. I choose to play solo on my ps3. Still, what makes me more mad: the fact that there is no real answer to why or the fact that others think they are better than others? that isn’t competition…that’s petty ego.

It affects everyone differently from what I see. beliefs of a king, while the other acts as a servant to the higher authority and his collection of jesters. so what does that make the other two? broken political icons that once sat at the round table? frustrated members of a bond that is now broken? I still don’t fucking know…

the only thing I do know is that I’m above it. I’m walking away from what I once considered a good friendship between a group of friends. don’t get me wrong; gaming will always be fun. what I’m honestly saying is that it won’t be as fun as the old days. whether is was ghost recon, gears 1, halo 3, or whatever…it will never be the same. you can hold on to game saves…but you can’t hold on to certain friendships. achievement unlocked.

add me xbl (clipz status) or psn (clipz-status) if that is your thing. always looking for a good game…

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I believe a big part of me fears for her. she’s learning the same way I had to learn. it does take a lot out of you. it is a shame knowing that we as people see the bigger picture only after the pain has settled in. she isn’t fragile…but she shouldn’t have to go through this either. these goals that I want to accomplish…this set moment I have planned for the future…what does it all mean?

there is another chance for me. it is a very big one. if I don’t do this right it just might be the end of the road for me. I have people depending on me and I actually want to help someone who needs support. she needs me to be her spirit. people have been worrying about me and wondering where have I been…funny shit.

he needs me too…one could say he needs me the most. I often look at him and have certain doubts and questions. so many of my questions are later on forgotten or misplaced. I’m really trying my best to place the right ways to get over the hump.

I have a lot to discuss with these 4 walls. another journey continues…

Yo, it’s too much strain, phenomenal gain
I’m going through things; headaches, abdominal pain
Try’na numb it with that kettle like I’m from the Ukraine
Check the blue flame, lighter running out of butane
What’s up with my destructive urge that’s unproductive
Choices I’m stuck with, now starting to fuck with
Contaminating family and close friends
Telling me to stop burning the candle at both ends
Ain’t like I’m on a coke binge, hanging in dope dens
Or life is just a pool of Patron I’m soaked in

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…to others than myself. I was recently let go of my job. reality is hitting me hard. I have been unemployed before. I have lost many things due to it…things that I probably cant get back. emotionally I am distilled. mentally I am often blocked by my own thoughts. I question why this happened to me…I question many things. how can I be a positive role model and provider to my child. with no money and no job I am no better than a bum. my heart is racing and my reactions are not that like before. inside I want to tear and yell at the world. I want to curse it for the way it has treated me, for the things it has put me through.

I fear for my relationship. I am in love with her…but what can I give this person that has lost more than I have? been through more than I have? perhaps she sees the breakdown in me. I know it scares her. I break when I hear the breaking point in your voice. I am in love with you more than words can speak. I need you, but you don’t deserve to see me like this. this person I am becoming…I want to get over this point in my life. I have to stop…stop before I end up in that dark place I am familiar with. you have insecurities and at times I have doubts. we are human…but I’m honest with myself to give it my all.

my heart hurts, like an emotional scar from losing a job that supported everything. I’m an idiot that saw the bigger picture at the end of the show. is it too late? has someone caught your emotions? will I ever be left alone to just be with one woman? I don’t have the answers right now. 4 walls surround me. no windows, no lights…dark skies and cold winters. who am I to jay…who am I to you? I feel confused…unaware of the aftermath. all I can do is apologize and pray that I am blessed once again.

to be a man, a provider, a friend, a father, and lover…I fear that all of these things will be damaged if I don’t do anything about it. give me the strength to no repeat history. give me the strength to take back all the negative feelings that have come upon me. grant me the power to move on after the storm. sincerely , to lose two stars that guide me in this empty world…is one fear I do not want to become a reality. for those that care for me, I apologize and I am sorry. I know it is hard to see me like this…