i’ll just keep this short for the time being. in life some people hate. they have their own deep rooted problems and they push it out on others. why hate on progress? is it because you can’t get to that same level? maybe it’s because you are in competition with someone that doesn’t care to to compete? i live, not struggle. still, i don’t forget where i came from…

i don’t wave the white flag because of fear. shit, i don’t even wave it. i just move on. you are looking for a reaction…you are looking for signs of me caring. for that you can only blame yourself. my potential shines…you were just too vain and narrow-minded to embrace it.

Jay you already know what the reason behind it all is…young in age but nothing gets past your eyes. it’s always like the first day when we meet again. you will learn about hurt women and what they consider power in your years to come. some will love you for a fee or service and then rewrite the script at the last minute. be mindful…

heart’s cold because i’m carrying cargo…

welcome to what i have been feeling on a daily basis. i know i can not break the feeling all by myself. i need help. i need her…but she can’t be as close as she wants to be. therefore i walk alone, i battle that former roommate of mine alone. what more can i do? it’s been hard for me.

i have kept to myself and focused on my work. even that is taking it’s toll on me. i feel like yelling and being mad at the world. i can’t sit here and attempt to make sympathy entries of hope and determination. i’m tired of that crap. i want results i can feel. i want the type of result that won’t leave after a couple of weeks.

it gets hard to wake up mornings and sleep at night. i’m empty inside. less and less i i feel that dark entity. this cold weather doesn’t make it better. why can’t everything just be the way we want it? why must any type of happiness i want be a struggle? why must i only triumph from pain? is it really a victory of the heart or just something that will keep me alert and on my toes? i want so many answers and i’m still stuck on these fucking questions…

no christmas tree, no decorations, and no company. i’m too alone to celebrate anything. ladies offer their company but i just want one heart..a heart that comes and goes du to operations and reconstruction. when will 100% be a reality? i’m getting weak…tired to the point that tears don’t show.

i’m not selfish…i just know that i am tired of waiting.

More or less I find myself back with the same feeling. Something is missing out of my center. Things around me are changing but not most of the people. Moving forward due to ambition but those are left behind do to their own beliefs. I work hard, excel, yet feel drifted. Nobody understands me and I am different. Each year that comes I find myself in a different zone. I am pushed by fear and failing. The doubt some throw on my name…it all adds up. Walking away from those two made it worth it…but success isn’t granted without damages.

Where will I be at the age of 30? Somewhere defeated living on my aunt’s couch…or Application Support at my current job still going so far? Anything is possible or so we like to believe. Who will be the lady…the love of my life? Will you stay and get better along the way…or will you give up along the road? Nobody can blame you. I never get the girls I truly want. Something changes shape or form about their ways…then I’m stuck confused. This must be the suffering that certain success brings. Sad thing is I can’t stop for anyone…including you.

I stare in the eyes of granted chances. I guess I will never know where the mother of my child will get me.…beyond court. The preservation of money is no longer associated with my cause. At the end of the day I don’t believe guys like me get the happy ending.