status.

Currently playing in iTunes: 06 Outcast by Joe Budden

heart’s cold because i’m carrying cargo…

welcome to what i have been feeling on a daily basis. i know i can not break the feeling all by myself. i need help. i need her…but she can’t be as close as she wants to be. therefore i walk alone, i battle that former roommate of mine alone. what more can i do? it’s been hard for me.

i have kept to myself and focused on my work. even that is taking it’s toll on me. i feel like yelling and being mad at the world. i can’t sit here and attempt to make sympathy entries of hope and determination. i’m tired of that crap. i want results i can feel. i want the type of result that won’t leave after a couple of weeks.

it gets hard to wake up mornings and sleep at night. i’m empty inside. less and less i i feel that dark entity. this cold weather doesn’t make it better. why can’t everything just be the way we want it? why must any type of happiness i want be a struggle? why must i only triumph from pain? is it really a victory of the heart or just something that will keep me alert and on my toes? i want so many answers and i’m still stuck on these fucking questions…

no christmas tree, no decorations, and no company. i’m too alone to celebrate anything. ladies offer their company but i just want one heart..a heart that comes and goes du to operations and reconstruction. when will 100% be a reality? i’m getting weak…tired to the point that tears don’t show.

i’m not selfish…i just know that i am tired of waiting.