i’ll just keep this short for the time being. in life some people hate. they have their own deep rooted problems and they push it out on others. why hate on progress? is it because you can’t get to that same level? maybe it’s because you are in competition with someone that doesn’t care to to compete? i live, not struggle. still, i don’t forget where i came from…
i don’t wave the white flag because of fear. shit, i don’t even wave it. i just move on. you are looking for a reaction…you are looking for signs of me caring. for that you can only blame yourself. my potential shines…you were just too vain and narrow-minded to embrace it.
Jay you already know what the reason behind it all is…young in age but nothing gets past your eyes. it’s always like the first day when we meet again. you will learn about hurt women and what they consider power in your years to come. some will love you for a fee or service and then rewrite the script at the last minute. be mindful…
Currently playing in iTunes: 06 Outcast by Joe Budden
heart’s cold because i’m carrying cargo…
welcome to what i have been feeling on a daily basis. i know i can not break the feeling all by myself. i need help. i need her…but she can’t be as close as she wants to be. therefore i walk alone, i battle that former roommate of mine alone. what more can i do? it’s been hard for me.
i have kept to myself and focused on my work. even that is taking it’s toll on me. i feel like yelling and being mad at the world. i can’t sit here and attempt to make sympathy entries of hope and determination. i’m tired of that crap. i want results i can feel. i want the type of result that won’t leave after a couple of weeks.
it gets hard to wake up mornings and sleep at night. i’m empty inside. less and less i i feel that dark entity. this cold weather doesn’t make it better. why can’t everything just be the way we want it? why must any type of happiness i want be a struggle? why must i only triumph from pain? is it really a victory of the heart or just something that will keep me alert and on my toes? i want so many answers and i’m still stuck on these fucking questions…
no christmas tree, no decorations, and no company. i’m too alone to celebrate anything. ladies offer their company but i just want one heart..a heart that comes and goes du to operations and reconstruction. when will 100% be a reality? i’m getting weak…tired to the point that tears don’t show.
i’m not selfish…i just know that i am tired of waiting.
Currently playing in iTunes: All Of Me (Feat. Emanny) by Joe Budden
More or less I find myself back with the same feeling. Something is missing out of my center. Things around me are changing but not most of the people. Moving forward due to ambition but those are left behind do to their own beliefs. I work hard, excel, yet feel drifted. Nobody understands me and I am different. Each year that comes I find myself in a different zone. I am pushed by fear and failing. The doubt some throw on my name…it all adds up. Walking away from those two made it worth it…but success isn’t granted without damages.
Where will I be at the age of 30? Somewhere defeated living on my aunt’s couch…or Application Support at my current job still going so far? Anything is possible or so we like to believe. Who will be the lady…the love of my life? Will you stay and get better along the way…or will you give up along the road? Nobody can blame you. I never get the girls I truly want. Something changes shape or form about their ways…then I’m stuck confused. This must be the suffering that certain success brings. Sad thing is I can’t stop for anyone…including you.
I stare in the eyes of granted chances. I guess I will never know where the mother of my child will get me.…beyond court. The preservation of money is no longer associated with my cause. At the end of the day I don’t believe guys like me get the happy ending.
I wanted to talk to you but I never got the chance to actually sit and have that chat. Out of the many times I have seen you I understood why your daughter loved you so much. She would always mention that it was because of you she was strong. I couldn’t agree more. Deep down I know you couldn’t see yourself without any of your daughters around…but there comes a time when we as people move on. Our physical might be rested away but in our loved ones hearts we forever live on.
Perhaps that is why your own daughter would rather be cremated than stuffed in a coffin to be on display. I think I understand what she meant now. The physical is the least of our cares. Sure, we might not be able to see that person but we can always remember their ways and moments that they shared with us. The moments that can change a person’s outlook on life and society…the moments that change us from children to adults…the moments that we understand what it is to feel and know unconditional love. You have taught your children all of these things.
Even through your condition you managed to remember who I am to your daughter. That truly means a lot in a sense. Here I am this new person that you met from time to time…and because of the happiness I gave your daughter you remember me. I will always embrace your open heart and the way you treated me. You will forever be a person I admire.
I promise to do right by your daughter. I have all these dreams for the both of us to accomplish and see set. She is one of my best friends. Most of all her art makes me think and question creativity in a whole new sense. She has a great gift that I want the world to appreciate. I know you would want the same for her too. Both of us have the chance to actually be happy. In a way one would say that we motivate eachother. With you gone I know that there will be times where she might fall to the ground. I just want to tell you that I will be there for every fall or tumble. Her heart is sacred to me. So is her love.
I’m making sure to set a good example off of the many that you have shown me. Bless you on your journey. You will never be a stranger to me.