™cs 8:31 overtime

This is my “internet gangsta” dance

Today’s word of the day is “retaliate”. To retaliate is to take revenge. Often at times people tend to do this to others without any regard of what will happen to the next person. Years ago I would have been surprised at certain actions and possibly would of taken some soft of immoral revenge of my own. These days however, I just find myself making plans to ensure that I have what I started with always near me.

Do people retaliate for the initial pleasure of revenge or is there a hidden feeling? Does it boost your self esteem up and make you feel on top of the world? Whatever the case may be I know the reason behind your retaliation of me. Simply put I rose myself out of my situation and still day by day am trying to better myself. When you do well, misery might follow. Misery is somewhat of a party planner and I just tell them I lost my invitation somewhere.

You retaliate in many forms. You aren’t alone in this. I too am guilty of retaliation. The difference is that mine consist of just letting you watch from one open window while the others are closed. So you peek into that window looking for whatever it is you may seek. I’m feeding you the fuel you use indirectly. From the current person I confide in to my daily rants of jokes and happiness…it fuels you to do the things you do.

There is no need to put a lock on that window. I knew sooner or later you’d be drawn into it. You can try your best to keep up or compete in a challenge all by yourself. I refuse to accept any challenge. There is no reason to. Your window of insight will always be open…like a page in your temporary internet file. You are the follower not associated with my list, the silent replier. Weak among myself and certain peers yet strong mouthed when in retaliation with whatever minions you may have.

I really didn’t want to write about this but then again its another form of positive retaliation indirectly. The window is open…

The worst nights are when I can’t sleep. I suffer from hidden through insomnia at times. I think tonight consists of thoughts about my mother and how things never seem to be right. Its crazy how people can just throw away someone that is close to them. Then again that’s what family is for.

I am a prime example of a quiet mind watching a dysfunctional family break down. Hidden from the eyes of the regular all might seem well. Whenever you break or take a part a piece of the foundation….sooner or later the rest will fall. The more I see my family…the more I understand why I am distant.

Life changes and so do the people associated in it. I remember when I just wanted to run away to a different state and just start over. Take all the money I had in my accounts and just flee. That’s how dreams work though…seemed so easy when it really isn’t.

That’s how my life is though. I see the bad…go through it and make it out somehow. Almost like I have a will to not fall. Somewhere there is a point to prove. I know certain things happen for a reason and shape you into who you are in the future. For once I wish proving people wrong wasn’t motivation. I don’t know how valerie feels….and I never will. She’s been sick for a long time and I don’t ever think she will be better again.

You should be here next to me and proud. Yes you aren’t even standing on the sidelines. I could grow a lot of anger just by thinking of the situations you could have made worse for me. Its okay though…your final words were “I’m going to do whatever to protect my son and children”….you at that moment made it clear that I wasn’t associated in that classification.

Get well soon mom…