status.

i’m trying to make more sense of my feeling each and everyday. this sense of being alone is just getting stronger with the days that pass by. i thought i was over it just the other day. i used the satisfaction of having money come to me to create this euphoria. it only lasted for that one day. now i am back to the feeling of lost connection.

i sit in my living room attempting to draw more attention to other activities. i’m missing that one thing that can balance myself. most days are worse than others. fighting it takes so much out of me. just the other day i just watched tv until i couldn’t hold my eyes anymore. i purposely want to wake up near the end of the day just so times passes me by.

new purchases slow down the emotional cry while work tends to make me not think about my current situation at all. accomplishments are settled down for now.

My mind still lives in this shit of house
Salary improves highly while depressed up on couches
I hate my fucking life, but when I make that announcement
The zen calls my phone, just to put that in doubt then

writing calms me down…puts things in perspective that you can only realize once the calm is near. it’s a crutch to write. it shows my experiences to those who have no voice to speak for themselves…for those who are embarrassed to talk about what they go through. most of all it shows myself how much i want something that people take for granted everyday.

life’s a bitch full of estrogen…

Currently playing in iTunes: New Day (Produced By The RZA, Kanye West, Mike Dean & Ken Lewis) by Jay-Z & Kanye West

i remember when things were different. i recall not feeling the things i feel. restless nights, anxiety attacks…anger. that isn’t me. it shouldn’t be. so what is the cause? are the 4 walls finally closing more and more around my surroundings? am i finally getting agitated at the thoughts of not reaching my goals?

i’m partially lost. i don’t know what is fate and what is choice. i want to yell, throw everything in rage. just…destroy and throw punches. not at people but at certain points of my life.this has been building up for some time. i have just been lying to myself about it. i leave memories in certain places where they can’t bother me. from then i feel empty inside. there is never closure. there will never be. i put myself on the line for people. i attempt to give them something they never had before: hope, someone that believes in them…a friend that won’t leave when the storm arrives. majority of times there are happy seasons…then it all comes down little by little.

i remember when i took this picture. i was confused about where my life was going to take me.i was scared each and everyday about being a father to him. things were as solid as they could be in the relationship…but i was there for you. that’s what mattered right? i mean i was a father and i wasn’t going to leave my responsibility. things were so hard when i snapped to reality. i had to stop lying at one point and see the bigger factors.

Winehouse wasn’t working and we weren’t working
So I was at home fucked up until my hurt was hurting
But I was determined to be great, so the bullshit can wait
Cause the years that I spent, didn’t amount to shit

fast forward through the he say she say…trips to court…using a child for leverage…the hate, ignorance, and lies. now we are here after some odd years. i’m doing much better than i was at that certain point. still, certain events haunt me. shit, the whole transformation will always bother me. i had more care and heart back then. i was foolish…and i think others who are around me can see that in me. not matter how well i do there will always be that opening…i don’t know the route to closure.

i see you over there…you’ve always been around. you didn’t want anything to do with this at first. something pulled you in. you are a victim of other casualties. for what we have you are a avid volunteer. still i see the pain. you don’t think i know a little something about masking the truth? I’m nearly 26 and i have lived through so much emotional breakage and separation. maybe closure begins with us…the moment we can call a day our own. so much eats away at me from left and right…yet my ass is still trying to make something for a future. why can’t i just quit? doesn’t it shock anyone that i keep moving forward? i fear for whatever it is…most of all i apologize for whoever i leave along the way.

My father gone, my grandmother too
Paralyzed by the pain, I can barely move
Now Jay is gone, my heart is torn
Sometimes I look to the sky, ask why I was born
My faith in God, every day is hard
Every night is worse, my chest hurts so hard

i’ll just keep this short for the time being. in life some people hate. they have their own deep rooted problems and they push it out on others. why hate on progress? is it because you can’t get to that same level? maybe it’s because you are in competition with someone that doesn’t care to to compete? i live, not struggle. still, i don’t forget where i came from…

i don’t wave the white flag because of fear. shit, i don’t even wave it. i just move on. you are looking for a reaction…you are looking for signs of me caring. for that you can only blame yourself. my potential shines…you were just too vain and narrow-minded to embrace it.

Jay you already know what the reason behind it all is…young in age but nothing gets past your eyes. it’s always like the first day when we meet again. you will learn about hurt women and what they consider power in your years to come. some will love you for a fee or service and then rewrite the script at the last minute. be mindful…

Currently playing in iTunes: 06 Outcast by Joe Budden

heart’s cold because i’m carrying cargo…

welcome to what i have been feeling on a daily basis. i know i can not break the feeling all by myself. i need help. i need her…but she can’t be as close as she wants to be. therefore i walk alone, i battle that former roommate of mine alone. what more can i do? it’s been hard for me.

i have kept to myself and focused on my work. even that is taking it’s toll on me. i feel like yelling and being mad at the world. i can’t sit here and attempt to make sympathy entries of hope and determination. i’m tired of that crap. i want results i can feel. i want the type of result that won’t leave after a couple of weeks.

it gets hard to wake up mornings and sleep at night. i’m empty inside. less and less i i feel that dark entity. this cold weather doesn’t make it better. why can’t everything just be the way we want it? why must any type of happiness i want be a struggle? why must i only triumph from pain? is it really a victory of the heart or just something that will keep me alert and on my toes? i want so many answers and i’m still stuck on these fucking questions…

no christmas tree, no decorations, and no company. i’m too alone to celebrate anything. ladies offer their company but i just want one heart..a heart that comes and goes du to operations and reconstruction. when will 100% be a reality? i’m getting weak…tired to the point that tears don’t show.

i’m not selfish…i just know that i am tired of waiting.